Recovery

I started thinking last week about happiness. What is happiness? The word happy and happiness come from the Middle English word, hap, which meant luck. In other words, happiness is based on what happens. The word happens, is also derived from hap. Do we base our spiritual lives on what happens? Should there be a more solid foundation? The good news is that there is a better foundation. It is called joy. 

The New Testament contains a number of passages about joy. Galatians 5:22 calls it a "fruit of the Spirit." The book of Phillipians uses the word joy so much it could be called the book of joy. What is joy? It is not an emotion, for our emotions change like the wind. Building a spiritual life on our emotions is like the house of sand Jesus mentioned in a parable. Joy is the knowledge that God will never leave us or forsake us, as promised in Hebrews 13:5. Joy comes out of faith, which is the "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) Joy is a solid foundation that will never cause our spiritual life to crumble. 

It occured to me today that as a child I had to emotionally go inside myself in order to survive. As an adult I have lived inside myself. However, I have experienced much healing for the past 15 years. I don't have to live like that anymore. I don't have to numb my emotions to survive. 

God, please teach me how to truly live!!!!!

 I am crying out to God to set me free from the after effects of incest, i.e. what my uncle did to me as a small child. I need freedom! There is a well spring of pent up emotions that I have stuffed for too long. It is time for me to allow myself to cry. I am afraid to feel all of the sadness from my childhood, so I try to numb myself. I am tired of going through my life on virtual auto pilot. 

Oh Lord, I look to You! Please, grant me the courage to face the pain of my childhood, to feel what I need to feel. Let Your healing flow over me as I do. Set me free!!!!!

I admit, oh Lord, that doubts about being delivered are flooding my mind. However, I choose to cling to my mustard seed of faith. I put my trust in You!

Last night I picked up a book I bought several years ago, but never got around to reading. The book talked about how our "flesh" needs to be crucified. I have heard that before and even acknowledged God was crucifying my flesh. However, it hit me last night that crucifying the flesh is what it means to be delivered from the after effects of incest. In order to survive as a child, I developed ways to cope with the abuse being inflicted on me. As an adult those ways of coping are not healthy. For years I have cried out for God to deliver me, and every time I did I felt more pain. It hurts to have your flesh crucified. 

As I watched the movie, Amazing Grace a few nights ago, something one of the characters said touched me: "God sometimes does His work through a gentle drizzle...drip, drip, drip." That is precisely how God heals us from sexual abuse. It is slow, sometimes agonizingly slow. However, God's healing is thorough.

Psalm 40:1-3 describes the healing process:

 I have not posted anything to Live Journal for a long time. I have been keeping a journal the old fashioned way, by putting pen to paper. I will always keep a written journal, but I also feel the need right now to keep an internet journal. 

I read Psalm 34 twice today. The first reading was a cursory one, but the second reading was a deep, meditative reading. Here are my thoughts which I recorded during the second reading:

v.1 Live a life that praises God in its very essence.
v.2 Give credit to God for what He enables you to accomplish.
v. 3 Praise the Lord with others. Be happy for them when there are triumphs, and grieve with them when  there are sorrows.
v.4 Cry out to God in his time and He will deliver you from strongholds in your life.
v.5 Let the joy of the Lord always be in your heart.
v.6 Keep crying out to God when hard times come and wait for His deliverance.
v.7 Know that God protects you and takes care of you.
v.8 You will have joy as long as you stay close to God.
v.9 Remember who God is for He is hold and God. Medidate on the characteristics of God.
v.10 God will take care of you despite how circumstances look. Your soul will not be harmed.
v.11 Teach others what you have learned.
v.12-14 Learn to control your mouth. Remember the old saying, "Think before you speak." Live like a Christian, and do not just profess your beliefs. Pursue peace (shalom, i.e. well being) for yourself, others, and your community.
v.15 See notes for verse 9
v.16 Vegeances is God's and not yours. Do not ever forget that fact!
v.17 God hears your cries and will deliver you in His time.
v.18 God is your comfort.
v.19 God is in control of your life.
v.20 See notes for verses 7 and 10
v.21 Evil does not pay. Remember that fact.
v.22 See notes for 9

I decided to just dive in and do a thorough inventory. At first I felt intimidated because I wanted to make sure I was doing it correctly. Then I realized I was practicing perfectionism, which is really self-abuse.

I am starting my new and improved inventory by looking at the most debilitating after effect: numbing my emotions. I do not know how old I was when my uncle began to abuse me. I remembered being abused as far back as three. I blocked all the memories out as a child and didn't regain them until I was 22. It has been 13 years since I remembered.

I not only blocked out the memories but repressed all the emotions the abuse caused. Now as an adult I numb all negative emotions except for anger.

I realized yesterday that I need to do a thorough inventory. Does anyone know of online resources which can help me in this regard?

I am still working Step Seven. I am filled with fear and pain: the fear and pain I buried as a child. Those two effects of incest are truly debilitating, and need to be removed. The hard part is that the only way to be free from fear and pain is to walk through both. I feel like I am about to come out of skin. Yet there is an excitement bubbling up inside of me at the same time. I know I am on the brink of deliverance.

I am still writing out Bible verses about faith. I do that at least once a day. I need God's word to sink deep into my subconscious.

I am feeling the fear I blocked out as a child. I couldn't deal with the overwhelming emotions caused by incest as a child so I numbed myself. However, the emotions didn't go away. They lingered down inside me like a volcano ready to erupt. I know the only way to be freed of fear is to meet it head on.

Even though I know I have to allow myself to feel the fear, it is hell! I keep claiming 2 Timothy 1:7 "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."

I'm writing out the same Bible verses on faith nightly. I need to do whatever I can to build up my faith, to remember that God is the Healer.

I am filled with fear today. I am not going to just let the fear overwhelm me anymore. Being afraid is one of the "debilitating effects" of incest. I will continue to write out verses about faith and deliverance. I will continue to fight the fear! I am a survivor but I want to be an overcomer!!!!!!!!!!!

I live in fear. The only way I can overcome fear is to combat it. Jesus said, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." My thinking about myself and life must change! I am writing out Bible verses on faith and deliverance. I figure if writing something down over and over works for learning a foreign language, it sure can't hurt when it comes to changing one's thinking.

Recovery is hard work, but it is worth every bit of effort!!!!!

I just had a break through. I began to cry about what happened to me as a child. It has been awhile since I could feel anything but anger. I have numbed myself for so long. I am feeling the pain I buried as a child. It hurts so much! However, I know that to be freed from the pain I have to walk through it. God, please help me!!!!!!

Now that I am working on building my faith in God, I realize how scared I have been that God would not be able to change me; that I would be one of the few people too hard for God.

I am not numb any longer. I feel the pain I buried as a child. I feel like I am dying inside, and I am. The person I became in order to survive must die so I can be the one God created me to be.

God, please help me, and give me strength to endure this healing process.

"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

I compiled a list of Bible passages that reveal characteristics of God. I plan on reading and meditating on them. As Psalm 77:12 "I will meditate on all your work, and muse on your mighty deeds. (All passages are in the New Revised Standard Version).

God keeps His promises

Hebrews 10:35-36
Do not therefore, abandon that confidence of yours; it brings a great reward. For you need endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.

1 Corinthians 1:20
For in him every one of God’s promises is a ‘yes.’

God is faithful

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope with out wavering, for He who has promised is faithful.

1 Corinthians 10:13
God is faithful.

1 Thessalonians 5:24
The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do this.

 1 Peter 4:19 calls God a “faithful creator.”

Deuteronomy 32:4
A faithful God, without deceit, just and upright is He.

Exodus 34:6
The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Psalm 36:5
Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalm 89:2
I declare that steadfast love is established forever; your faithfulness is as firm as the heavens.

God heals

Psalm 30:2
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.

Psalm 103:3
…who heals all your diseases.

God hears

Psalm 9:12b
He does not forget the cry of the afflicted.

Psalm 34:17
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles.

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord because He has heard my voice and my supplications. Because He inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.

God is a protector

Psalm 3:3
But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts up my head.

God is love

Psalm 32:10
Steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord.

Psalm 106:1c
For his steadfast love endures forever.

God is a deliverer

Psalm 3:8
Deliverance belongs to the Lord.

Psalm 32:7c
You surround me with glad cries of deliverance.

Psalm 34:19
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord rescues them from them all.

I realized today just how much I am afraid that God won't be able to change me. I put the onus on myself, instead of on God. I am going to focus on who God is, instead of my faults. I once suggested to someone that they go through the book of Psalms and write down passages which reveal something about God. I need to take my own advice!

The negative thoughts I have of myself tend to be the following:

I am worthless.
God cannot change me.

I struggle to come up with 'rational responses' to those thoughts. What I came up with yesterday is:

I am as worthy as any other person because I was created by God.
God can change anyone who is willing.

I think I need to include Bible verses when I do my 'self esteem work.'

I got out a little devotional called Healing for Today, Hope for Tomorrow: God's Promises for Overcoming Codependency . A question in the devotional really jumped out at me:

"What keeps you from fully embracing the joy of living in close contact with your true self and with your God?"

Self-abuse is defined as, "behavior which causes damage or harm to oneself." I have been guilty of self-hatred. I realized today it was easier for me to hate myself thus blaming myself for the incest, than to admit it was totally my uncle's fault. By putting all the blame on my uncle, who thank God is deceased, I have to admit I felt God had abandoned me.

Today I choose to put the blame on my uncle. I choose to live in truth and not in denial. I choose to face the feelings of abandonment I experienced as a child. I choose recovery today. I know I have work to do to build up my self esteem. With God's help I will do the work.

As a teenager, years before I remembered the incest, someone recommended I read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, M.D. A section of the book is about building self esteem by using a simple technique. You make three vertical columns on a piece of paper: the left column  is for the negative thoughts you have about yourself, the right column is for rational responses to your negative thoughts, and the middle is for labeling the type of distortion your negative thought is. Here's the list of distortions:

1.  All or nothing thinking
2. Over-generalization
3. Mental filter
4. Disqualifying the positive
5. Jumping to conclusions
6. Magnification or minimization
7. Emotional reasoning
8. Should statements
9. Labeling and mislabeling
10. Personalization

I was never ready to commit myself to using the techniques in Feeling Good. I was not ready to have the defect of self hatred removed. I am ready now! I want to live in peace and joy!!!!!!!!!!!

The best book I have found on the 12 Steps is The Twelve Steps for Christians. I bought it years ago at a Christian book store. I love what it says about preparing for Step Seven:

"We are unable but God is able...Step Seven requires prayer. We work this step on our knees. Our condition, our honesty, and our pain have humbled us so now we must open our mouths and pray. The temptation here is to ask God to remove everything as if it were a package deal. But that's not how the program works. If we were thorough, our Step Four inventory listed each character defect separately. Our confession in Step Five was also done item by item, and later our amends will be made individually. So now our Step Seven work is a humble prayer for the removal  of our shortcomings--one defect at a time...We prepare for Step Seven by holding nothing back from God--no glimmer of hope in our ability to control. We prepare for Step Seven by making sure we have overcome the fear of letting go of our defects. We prepare for Step Seven  by learning to draw nearer to God, by becoming comfortable in God's presence."

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that God will take care of me. It is not that I do not love God or believe God is good, but I struggle to believe I am worthy. I know in my head I am worthy, i.e. my intellect knows, but my heart is another matter. It is my heart that needs healing and deliverance from the effects of incest.

I keep reading passages in the Bible that talk about God's goodness, and pray after reading them that God will let them penetrate deep into my heart. I know something is penetrating because I have a greater sense of God's love. The slowness of the healing process frustrates me. However, I am not giving up. I want to be an overcomer. Surviving is not enough.