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Healing from the inside out

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July 21st, 2009

Happiness vs. Joy

I started thinking last week about happiness. What is happiness? The word happy and happiness come from the Middle English word, hap, which meant luck. In other words, happiness is based on what happens. The word happens, is also derived from hap. Do we base our spiritual lives on what happens? Should there be a more solid foundation? The good news is that there is a better foundation. It is called joy. 

The New Testament contains a number of passages about joy. Galatians 5:22 calls it a "fruit of the Spirit." The book of Phillipians uses the word joy so much it could be called the book of joy. What is joy? It is not an emotion, for our emotions change like the wind. Building a spiritual life on our emotions is like the house of sand Jesus mentioned in a parable. Joy is the knowledge that God will never leave us or forsake us, as promised in Hebrews 13:5. Joy comes out of faith, which is the "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) Joy is a solid foundation that will never cause our spiritual life to crumble. 

July 10th, 2009

Learning How to Truly Live


It occured to me today that as a child I had to emotionally go inside myself in order to survive. As an adult I have lived inside myself. However, I have experienced much healing for the past 15 years. I don't have to live like that anymore. I don't have to numb my emotions to survive. 

God, please teach me how to truly live!!!!!

July 5th, 2009


 I am crying out to God to set me free from the after effects of incest, i.e. what my uncle did to me as a small child. I need freedom! There is a well spring of pent up emotions that I have stuffed for too long. It is time for me to allow myself to cry. I am afraid to feel all of the sadness from my childhood, so I try to numb myself. I am tired of going through my life on virtual auto pilot. 

Oh Lord, I look to You! Please, grant me the courage to face the pain of my childhood, to feel what I need to feel. Let Your healing flow over me as I do. Set me free!!!!!

I admit, oh Lord, that doubts about being delivered are flooding my mind. However, I choose to cling to my mustard seed of faith. I put my trust in You!

June 12th, 2009

Death to the flesh

Last night I picked up a book I bought several years ago, but never got around to reading. The book talked about how our "flesh" needs to be crucified. I have heard that before and even acknowledged God was crucifying my flesh. However, it hit me last night that crucifying the flesh is what it means to be delivered from the after effects of incest. In order to survive as a child, I developed ways to cope with the abuse being inflicted on me. As an adult those ways of coping are not healthy. For years I have cried out for God to deliver me, and every time I did I felt more pain. It hurts to have your flesh crucified. 

May 28th, 2009

Healing takes time


As I watched the movie, Amazing Grace a few nights ago, something one of the characters said touched me: "God sometimes does His work through a gentle drizzle...drip, drip, drip." That is precisely how God heals us from sexual abuse. It is slow, sometimes agonizingly slow. However, God's healing is thorough.

Psalm 40:1-3 describes the healing process:

I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. (NRSV)

Waiting is not popular in our "fast food" culture. However, there is no such thing as "instant" healing from sexual abuse. It takes time. Perhaps we need to take a lesson from nature. Tall trees were once saplings. Tomato plants started out as seeds. In order to grow, plant life needs time, in addition to good soil and water.

We can take courage in the fact that healing and deliverance figure prominently in the book of Psalms (in the Old Testament). Here are some of my favorite verses (from the book of Psalms) that mention healing and deliverance:

Deliverance belongs to the Lord. 3:8
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble, you surround me with glad cries of deliverance. 32:7
I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 34:4


O Lord, My God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. 30:2
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all His benefits--who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. 103:2-3

May 24th, 2009

Thoughts on Psalm 34

 I have not posted anything to Live Journal for a long time. I have been keeping a journal the old fashioned way, by putting pen to paper. I will always keep a written journal, but I also feel the need right now to keep an internet journal. 

I read Psalm 34 twice today. The first reading was a cursory one, but the second reading was a deep, meditative reading. Here are my thoughts which I recorded during the second reading:

v.1 Live a life that praises God in its very essence.
v.2 Give credit to God for what He enables you to accomplish.
v. 3 Praise the Lord with others. Be happy for them when there are triumphs, and grieve with them when  there are sorrows.
v.4 Cry out to God in his time and He will deliver you from strongholds in your life.
v.5 Let the joy of the Lord always be in your heart.
v.6 Keep crying out to God when hard times come and wait for His deliverance.
v.7 Know that God protects you and takes care of you.
v.8 You will have joy as long as you stay close to God.
v.9 Remember who God is for He is hold and God. Medidate on the characteristics of God.
v.10 God will take care of you despite how circumstances look. Your soul will not be harmed.
v.11 Teach others what you have learned.
v.12-14 Learn to control your mouth. Remember the old saying, "Think before you speak." Live like a Christian, and do not just profess your beliefs. Pursue peace (shalom, i.e. well being) for yourself, others, and your community.
v.15 See notes for verse 9
v.16 Vegeances is God's and not yours. Do not ever forget that fact!
v.17 God hears your cries and will deliver you in His time.
v.18 God is your comfort.
v.19 God is in control of your life.
v.20 See notes for verses 7 and 10
v.21 Evil does not pay. Remember that fact.
v.22 See notes for 9

August 21st, 2007

My inventory

I decided to just dive in and do a thorough inventory. At first I felt intimidated because I wanted to make sure I was doing it correctly. Then I realized I was practicing perfectionism, which is really self-abuse.

I am starting my new and improved inventory by looking at the most debilitating after effect: numbing my emotions. I do not know how old I was when my uncle began to abuse me. I remembered being abused as far back as three. I blocked all the memories out as a child and didn't regain them until I was 22. It has been 13 years since I remembered.

I not only blocked out the memories but repressed all the emotions the abuse caused. Now as an adult I numb all negative emotions except for anger.

August 20th, 2007

I realized yesterday that I need to do a thorough inventory. Does anyone know of online resources which can help me in this regard?

August 12th, 2007

Still on the Step Seven

I am still working Step Seven. I am filled with fear and pain: the fear and pain I buried as a child. Those two effects of incest are truly debilitating, and need to be removed. The hard part is that the only way to be free from fear and pain is to walk through both. I feel like I am about to come out of skin. Yet there is an excitement bubbling up inside of me at the same time. I know I am on the brink of deliverance.

I am still writing out Bible verses about faith. I do that at least once a day. I need God's word to sink deep into my subconscious.

August 10th, 2007

Plowing through

I am feeling the fear I blocked out as a child. I couldn't deal with the overwhelming emotions caused by incest as a child so I numbed myself. However, the emotions didn't go away. They lingered down inside me like a volcano ready to erupt. I know the only way to be freed of fear is to meet it head on.

Even though I know I have to allow myself to feel the fear, it is hell! I keep claiming 2 Timothy 1:7 "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."

I'm writing out the same Bible verses on faith nightly. I need to do whatever I can to build up my faith, to remember that God is the Healer.
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